Jokes are us

Subjects with Humorous Touch

Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 16 Apr 2011 02:03

THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 14 Jun 2011 16:37

Homeless Guy Signs

"Father was killed by ninjas. Need money for karate lessons."

"16 wives, 7 hungry dogs, 3 thin cats, 25 kids and still
horny. Please help with loose change."

"Will code html for food."

"Will eat for food."

"Need cash for alcohol research."

"Saving up for a hooker."

"Time traveler needs money for new flux capacitor."

"I'm like Obama, I want change."

"Sorry, I'm blind. Can I feel your tits?"

"My wife has been kidnapped. I'm short 99 cents for ransom."
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby Nightwatch on 14 Jun 2011 22:36

I bet a lot of them managed to receive a respond from the passers-by, though can't be sure what kind of responses they were. :D
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 21 Jun 2011 15:19

A man goes to a whorehouse and asks the lady at the desk for a woman
with a fantastic tan with no tan lines. The lady at the desk says,
"That will be $500.00." So the man gives her the money and she tells
him to go up stairs and knock on the third door on left. A voice
tells him to come in. He does. She said, "Take your clothes off."
He said, "I paid $500, so I want you to take your clothes off and
lay on the bed and spread your legs for me." She does. He says
"Thank you," and starts to leave. She said, "Is that all you
wanted?" He said, "Yes my wife is painting the house brown with pink
shutters and I wanted to see what it would look like."
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 24 Jun 2011 03:17

A woman meets a djinni. As custom, she gets 3 wishes .However they come with one condition, whatever she gets, her husband gets ten-fold. Well ok, her first wish is to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The second wish is to be the wealthiest woman in the world and for the final wish, she asks for a mild heart attack.
THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 22 Aug 2011 18:14

I think we can relate to these:

DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly ******ing flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat directly to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips-head screws.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: Son of a b*tch TOOL

UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Also useful for impromptu bloodletting, but only when trying to locate said knife.

Son of a b*tch TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a b*tch!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Older than dirt but I thought it worth reposting (from my favorite Kawasaki forum)
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
----------------
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby MeanderingBeing on 25 Aug 2011 03:16

A friggin riot, rock!
LOOK! It says gullible on the ceiling!!!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 26 Aug 2011 15:10

:D
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 05 Oct 2011 22:01

http://www.moddb.com/groups/humour-satire-parody
One has found quite a bit of funny there.
THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby MeanderingBeing on 08 Oct 2011 12:12

Thanks for the link, DT. I really needed that. :-bd
LOOK! It says gullible on the ceiling!!!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 08 Oct 2011 12:54

Glad to have been of service.
Given your interests, there should be some funny stuff here as well
http://www.moddb.com/groups/warhammer-40k-fans-group
THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
User avatar
DARK TEMPLAR
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Posts: 1149
Joined: 16 Sep 2008 07:26
Location: Drifting in an endless haze

Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 10 Oct 2011 15:53

From the signature of Bladewraith
Real Story from Afganistan:
a British Soldier atop a roof saw the red mist when Taliban soldiers surrounded the compound. he precided to fire his SA-80 single handed at them while lighting a cigarette. when asked "What do you think you're doing" by his CO, he responded "Sorry Sir", handed him the lit cigarette, Lit another and continued firing one handed.
THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
User avatar
DARK TEMPLAR
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Posts: 1149
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Location: Drifting in an endless haze

Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 17 Oct 2011 17:43

THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
User avatar
DARK TEMPLAR
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Posts: 1149
Joined: 16 Sep 2008 07:26
Location: Drifting in an endless haze

Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 21 Oct 2011 19:26

THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
User avatar
DARK TEMPLAR
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Posts: 1149
Joined: 16 Sep 2008 07:26
Location: Drifting in an endless haze

Re: Jokes are us

Postby Nightwatch on 23 Oct 2011 01:26

Blackadder rocks :-bd :D
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 27 Oct 2011 20:59

THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
User avatar
DARK TEMPLAR
Senior Resident
 
Posts: 1149
Joined: 16 Sep 2008 07:26
Location: Drifting in an endless haze

Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 28 Oct 2011 15:29

DARK TEMPLAR wrote:http://www.moddb.com/groups/humour-satire-parody/images/raf#imagebox
way to go RAF

That's funny. We had the exact same story told here at Camp Pendleton Marine Base. I believe they used a Black Hawk but the rest of the story was the same.
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
----------------
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby Nightwatch on 29 Oct 2011 21:20

Hmm, yes, there are too many similarities. There may be a case that someone somewhere trying to pull some legs :D
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 30 Oct 2011 17:08

Oh, I believe it happened somewhere once. And the story has just gotten better with age :))
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
----------------
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