Jokes are us

Subjects with Humorous Touch

Re: Jokes are us

Postby VINTAR on 18 Jun 2009 08:41

BRAVE MAN JOKES

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 10seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby audioave10 on 19 Jun 2009 02:45

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Re: Jokes are us

Postby audioave10 on 25 Jun 2009 23:37

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Re: Jokes are us

Postby fatrap on 27 Jun 2009 16:22

OK... here goes!

Do you know why the midget was kicked out of the nudist colony????



'Cause he was always sticking his nose in everyone else's business....... #-o
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby VINTAR on 29 Jun 2009 11:54

Ha Ha nice one fatrap
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 20 Aug 2009 16:20

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method." "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method" After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method d she used and she replied, "The birth control pill But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers,

I kick the pail out from under him.
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby ket on 22 Aug 2009 01:35

A Englishman and a Irishman are on a road trip, as their driving along they come across this quaint little rustic inn. Paul says to Paddy "Lets stop at that inn for the night and have some drinks"

So they stop and go in, as they enter they take a look around, a relaxing old farmhouse theme with a big mirror in one corner. Paul and Paddy go up to the bar and order some drinks, sit down and start chatting...

3 hours pass and theres Paul and Paddy.. still drinking like fish. Paddy says to Paul "Hey check those guys out in the corner, they look exactly like us and are wearing the same clothes and everything! Dammit, I'm buying them a drink!" As Paddy drunkenly stands up and starts to walk over Paul says "Sit down Paddy one of them is coming over!"

For those that missed it Paddy was looking in the mirror lol :p
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby VINTAR on 31 Aug 2009 11:07

Women must be flocking to Australia after seeing this pic :D

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Re: Jokes are us

Postby Nightwatch on 31 Aug 2009 19:25

=)) =))
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 01 Sep 2009 16:38

I'll go along with Nightwatch on this one: =)) =))
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby audioave10 on 15 Dec 2009 06:36

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Re: Jokes are us

Postby Nightwatch on 16 Dec 2009 04:08

Good one... :D :D I bet he'll be a lawyer.
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby MeanderingBeing on 28 Dec 2009 00:04

LOOK! It says gullible on the ceiling!!!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 30 Jan 2010 20:59

The laughter is getting painful ==> http://humour.200ok.com.au/index.php
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 05 Feb 2010 16:59

The GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office
and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother
Superior. 'I thought this was the day
you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play
golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?'


'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name
in vain today!'


'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must
tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green....and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.


And it's flying straight and true,
right along the line I wanted...
and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'


'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.
'How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you
blaspheme, Sister!'


'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.
'While I was still trying to fathom what had
happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'


'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!'
sympathized the Mother.


'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.
'And I was so proud of myself! And while I
was pondering whether this was a sign
from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky
and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,'
said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the
Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and
the hawk dropped him right there
on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18
inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair,
folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



'You missed the f*ckin' putt, didn't you?'
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby 3040Krag on 05 Feb 2010 17:32

'You missed the f*ckin' putt, didn't you?'

=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby Nightwatch on 05 Feb 2010 21:59

LOL =)) =))
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby audioave10 on 06 Feb 2010 07:31

LOL...
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 28 Mar 2010 03:39

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident,I'm fine?

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road.....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying
to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks
after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was
driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came
through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear
old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain
just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a
motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked
at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the $*%~ would you say?'
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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