Jokes are us

Subjects with Humorous Touch

Re: Jokes are us

Postby 3040Krag on 18 Oct 2010 04:45

When I was an EMT, we joked about sending a cop into the middle of a hazmat scene. We called it the cop-o-meter. If the cop passed out, it wasn't safe.

This is a noob-o-meter. If the noob doesn't fall to the anomaly, it's safe! =)) =)) =))
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 20 Oct 2010 15:39

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.

She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen ...the works.

Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman --literally.

Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new "body work."

When the exam was finished, he called her in.

"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis."

Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo--what?"

"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."

Bambi giggled, blushed and said, "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!"
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby Nightwatch on 08 Nov 2010 15:27

Hey Guys... Now... Look: These are REAL Events/dialogs taken from REAL court sittings. I'm highlighting REAL in capitals... because it's really hard to believe that they are real. LOL :mozilla_surprised: :D

From the COURT RECORDS


piece 1-

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I , Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

piece 2-

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

piece 3-

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

=))
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 30 Nov 2010 15:37

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"

But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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A solution for every problem

Postby 3040Krag on 17 Dec 2010 04:50

One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home?

The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time"

The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby MeanderingBeing on 31 Dec 2010 11:02

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8k4oRCATPwo
This is what happens to your food...
LOOK! It says gullible on the ceiling!!!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 20 Jan 2011 15:53

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed,
an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and
shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old
copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had
an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years
earlier than the British".

One week later, the New Zealand Herald, reported the
following: "After digging to a depth of 30 feet in his backyard
in Onerahi, Bill Paku, a self-taught archaeologist and avid
Motorhomer, reported that he found absolutely f--- all.

Paku has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, New Zealand
had already gone wireless."
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby Hangman on 04 Feb 2011 01:55

=))
I've got CoP now, and I'm starting to understand the jokes, little by little.

Until then, here's one of my own:

Recently, a two Stalkers found the Wish Granter, but could only get to it from the sarcophagus' roof. Without rope, they decided to jump down into a space bubble and shout their wishes before being spat out of the space bubble and back into the zone.

The first stalker, an eco-stalker, leapt down and shouted "Knowledge!" as quickly as he could. Shortly before impact, he vanished, and knew everything about the zone.

The second stalker, a Freedomer, leapt down and shouted "Weed!" as quickly as he could. Shortly before impact, he vanished, and landed at Ganja's bar.

A third person was following them though, a Bandit. It had taken him all this time to get to the roof, and he had downed a fair amount of vodka to fight the rads of the place. Stumbling across the roof, he fell though the hole and exclaimed "SHIT!" shortly before disappearing.
Glory to the holy Monolith, we shall abide in it's radiance forever.
The gloried crystal, through the arms of believers, Shall cleanse all those without true faith from the zone.
It is the greatest honour to be allowed in it's presence, let alone within it's very Home.
Pay homage to your benefactors.
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 04 Feb 2011 15:26

:)) =)) :))
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 04 Feb 2011 20:28

A trout is swimming in the river, suddenly he notices a fly overhead, he thinks to himself *Now if the fly descended a bit, I could jump and have a easy meal*.
On the riverbank there is a bear, he sees the situation *If only the fly descended a bit, the fish would jump and I'd have the juicy fish between my jaws*
In the woods next to the river a hunter waits in the bushes, assesses the situation *Right, the fly descends, the fish jumps, the bear swipes and I'd get a clear shot at his head*
Behind the hunter there is a mouse, watering his mouth over a piece of sandwich sticking out of the hunters jacket *So, the fly descends, the fish jumps, the bear swipes, the hunter shoots and the sandwich would fall out of his pocket*
A bit further away there is a cat, she sees the situation, asseses it* Right, the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, the mouse, that would be an easy bite*
And it happenes, the fly descends, the fish jumps, the bear swipes the fish and gets shot by the hunter, the mouse gets the sandwich which has fallen out of the pocket and the cat jumps but miscalculates and misses the mouse, landing into the river.

The moral of the story, in order to get the kitty wet, you need a long forplay.


On a similar note. Whats the difference between a woman and a guitar? Both are held by the neck and played over the hole.


Not the nicest one's but yeah.
THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 11 Feb 2011 17:15

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and
more people who send text messages and emails have long
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the
statement below. I cannot stress enough how grammar is very
important to it.

Capitalization is the difference between 'helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse' and 'helping your uncle jack off a horse'.

Is everybody clear on that?
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 11 Feb 2011 19:05

:))
THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby 3040Krag on 14 Feb 2011 04:50

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours? SON: At school*Robot slaps Son* SON: OK,I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one? SON: Toy Story*Robot slaps son again* SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.

DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!*Robot slaps Dad*

MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.*Robot slaps mom*
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 27 Feb 2011 06:27

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci.




Is it just me or is that one crappy joke. Sad, not funny.
THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby MeanderingBeing on 27 Feb 2011 19:35

Rorschach ftw
LOOK! It says gullible on the ceiling!!!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 28 Feb 2011 18:19

DARK TEMPLAR wrote:Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci.




Is it just me or is that one crappy joke. Sad, not funny.

Yeah...crappy.
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
----------------
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 09 Mar 2011 08:21

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php ... reet-hoax/


How practical jokes were used to be done.
THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
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DARK TEMPLAR
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Location: Drifting in an endless haze

Re: Jokes are us

Postby rockingmtranch on 09 Mar 2011 16:20

DARK TEMPLAR wrote:http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2011/03/one-of-the-great-practical-jokes-of-the-19th-century-the-berners-street-hoax/


How practical jokes were used to be done.

Wow...elaborate for sure.
LINUX! Don't fight it. You will be assimilated!
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Re: Jokes are us

Postby DARK TEMPLAR on 09 Mar 2011 21:18

Quite elaborate indeed but the quality and style are of much higher pilotage then the current a'la ''punked''
THE DEDICATED, CERTIFIED RESIDENT MADMAN
There is no such thing as innocence in the ZONE, only degrees of guilt.
CAN YOU FEEL THE TRANQUILLITY OF THE ZONE
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.
We are shaped by fate, just as we shape it
You should never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die.
Akir man yamut malak al-mut
User avatar
DARK TEMPLAR
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Posts: 1151
Joined: 16 Sep 2008 07:26
Location: Drifting in an endless haze

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