Found some free time and some guts to pry open the hunk of junk.
Lift open the keyboard, move some wifi kagimafig a bit, disconnect, what by all assumptions based on the info my 'search fu' managed to dig up should be the bios battery.
Didn't take all that long, waiting a bit now and will try to put the thing back together in some 10 min.
ed: If i don't royally screw this up and it actually works instead of fubaring the hardware, I might just be the happiest person alive for a little bit ... I may have some tech savvyness but I am running purely on luck here.
ed2: Welp, procedure completed, thing boots up, as much as it can, which is the same as before, so back to square one.
GOD BLOODY DAMN IT